Alas, I have not managed to keep a reasonable amount of rewards for myself or spend as much time as I would like with my children. I don’t cut my hair every six weeks, I only get my nails done if required, and I consider the effort it takes to get dressed up a waste of productive time rather than something fun and special to do. I have tried countless times to connect with various people, but somehow they perceive me as too busy and so we hardly ever catch up.
It recently took me four hours to get dressed and ready for a Christmas function, and I felt exhausted by the end of it. I have had brief moments of companionship and then lengthy periods of getting on with life on my own. I have been very good at disguising it in various forms to attract a bit of sympathy, but if I really want to fess up, then I should admit that I have fallen into the trap of reminiscing and saying “poor me.” That stops me from doing what I could be doing, and it gives me an excuse to say why my situation is like this and state that a relationship is the only panacea, when it isn’t.
Now that I am on my own again, I realize that this whole process of finding a partner has not been about finding a relationship at all.
I have been desperately trying to overcome loneliness—and possibly for a long as twenty years!
Let’s look at what has been happening and see if you can identify with any of these: Rather than face the real issue of loneliness, I have dedicated myself to my work and various business enterprises.
The people out there in the real world can see and have benefited from my productive endeavor. It’s only no when I have something else on that I am doing for someone else. Since then, I have raised two children, who are now nineteen and sixteen, without a family support network.
“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” ~Joseph F. He told me from the very beginning it would never be a relationship, and yet I have persevered with our friendship in various formats for the last seven years.
I ask myself this as I look back on the last nine years, which I have spent trying to cover up my real issue. After getting married at twenty and then leaving nineteen years later, it took another two years before I met another man that I fell in love with almost instantly.