Your partners won’t always get along, and may even hate one another without ever meeting.
Over the years, you may experience the really not-so great metamours, the ones who stalk you at work and harass you day and night, who assault and bully you. Conspire about what shirt to buy your shared partner, and collaborate on birthday surprises?
You might have metamours who end up (directly or indirectly) hurting you- even in ways that have nothing to do with your partner- and that pain may still be felt long after the relationship you shared is done (been there, done that).
You might have partners who refuse or are resistant to meeting your other partners, their own metamours.
I enjoy not just meeting my partners’ other partners, I also desire to form friendships with them and have an enthusiastically positive relationship with them.
And that kind of friendship can’t be forced, or feel obligated, it’s something I desire to be authentic.
It seems to be a too-common trope, especially amongst people still fresh to polyamory, that if you aren’t sexually attracted to them, then your metamour needs to be enthusiastically tolerated. I’ve been there and tried that- tolerating my metamour- and I noticed that, for me, it affected my relationship with the shared partner.
At a very fundamental level, I believe we are all in relationship to one another. And, the moment you start engaging with someone who has multiple relationships, you are forging your own relationships to those relations. I’ve become what would be termed a “Kitchen Table Polyamorist” (as opposed to the compartmentalised “Kitchen Cupboard” style of polyamory, or Parallel Polyamory where you know about your metamours but don’t talk about them).
And, when metamours find themselves in opposition to one another, it can endanger multiple intimate relationships.
I’ve noticed that, when forging metamour relationships, many people focus on “getting along” first and foremost.
Within the realm of honest non monogamy- and polyamory especially- I think that the significance of the metamour relationship is too often overlooked and underplayed.
It is strangely too easy to ignore the awesomeness of having your partners bond, and to be oblivious to the multitudes of relationships that come hand in hand when you are in multiple relationships with other people in multiple relationships.