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What follows are excerpts from Linda Goodman’s Love Signs re the compatibility between the Libra woman and the Scorpio male.

All bold font is my own idiotic commentary…and for the record, I love reading this stuff, especially when I recognize a lot of it; but the last sentence makes me wonder what kind of crack Linda’s smoking.

Because let’s face it: When you land a Libra, you’re going to want to hold on to her forever. Whatever the manifestation of this weirdness is, it exists and it’s not going anywhere. And once the decision is made (usually by force of another person), there’s a strong chance we’ll regret it almost immediately or spend the rest of our lives wondering how things would be different if we went the other route. Enter us into a beauty pageant because, guys, Libras just want some godd*mn world peace. BTW: Now that you know this, don’t even think about taking advantage and ask us for a million favors, because … We’re plagued with FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out, for those of you living under a rock). When we’re freaking out trying to make yet another decision about whether to go to that event or not?

And we’ll bring you along for this entire journey, so buckle up! And while that, unfortunately, may not be entirely attainable, you can bet we’ll at least work on it at a more personal level. Even if we kind of hate them too, we’ll speak their merits to you until we’re blue in the face because: fairness. It’s not unlikely for us to have a to-do list 16 pages long but still agree to take on a last minute project at work, run an errand for a family member, or help a friend perfect her resume. Chances are, the deciding factor to go will be FOMO. Don’t worry, we’re not cheats —we’ll be fiercely loyal to you. Some people refer to this Libra trait as “laziness.” (And yes, those people can kiss my charming, peacemaking ass.) Sure, we like our downtime but only to recharge us for success, fun, and adventure to come.

“I feel I have something to learn from this person,” muses Libra, when exposed to Scorpio’s unrelenting gaze.

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And if a fight erupts between two of our best friends, you can bet we’ll devote every ounce of our energy to getting those kids back on the same page because COME ON, WE CANNOT TAKE THE STRESS OF THIS RIFT. What if Amy Poehler is randomly in town and heard about the event and happens to stop by and I miss it? We’ll just do so while being charismatic and engaging to everyone else. So if that means staying in on a Friday night or taking a mid-afternoon nap on a Sunday, deal with it.8. Alright, alright: We’re a tad materialistic and have a bit of a shopping habit. While we can’t guarantee we’ll fix them, we’ll always be here to offer a sympathetic ear and give you the attention and emotional support that just might help lift that weight of worries off your back.10. We’re not happy with settling (see: NOT lazy), and are always on the hunt for the next new adventure: taking a guitar classes, training for a triathlon, or learning a new language. Or, what if our friends have an amazing time and spend the next month cracking inside jokes that I don’t understand? We see the value in investing in quality, whether it’s handbags or home décor and are generally willing to shell out for it. Even if we’re happy in our lives and careers, we continue to crave these challenges and will always carve out time to devote to them. The one with the crisp air, beautiful leaves, and oh yeah, HALLOWEEN.

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