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As they're unable to use their dizzying wit or repartee to distract us, I can't help but make snap judgments based on their appearances - too short, too beardy, too bald - but no doubt they are doing the same about us. I shake my head, but let out a long high note to show him that I sing (a bit).

The organiser, Lucy Baker, stands up and explains what the evening entails. Then he looks down at the floor and stays like that for what seems like an eternity.

Chris Smalling has been one of the best centre-backs in England this season, but last night at Upton Park revealed how Daley Blind can only ever be a stop-gap solution there for Manchester United.

Smalling challenged well in the air, but at 5 foot 11, Blind cannot do the same.

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