Being in love let me ignore those uncomfortable feelings.Of course, I did not understand any of this at age six. As an adult, I wanted a lover because I wanted someone to treat me better than I treated myself.That did give me some relief but didn’t really take the pain of self-betrayal away.I lost thirteen pounds in three weeks and had to drive myself to the ER. I knew my life was in danger and even wondered if my heart was bleeding.I wanted him to fall in love and stay in love with me.I wanted this because I needed something as desperately as the desert needs water: to feel good about myself. Valentine’s Day comes and people post pictures from their night of love on Facebook.
It never occurred to me that that “one person” needed to be me. I wouldn’t go camping, to concerts, or even to the Sunday market unless I had someone with me who was “the one.” I missed out on so much while I waited for the love blanket to protect me so I could feel safe enough to discover myself. After we broke up, he went off to date the woman we had the biggest fights over. But it also showed me that I did the right thing by leaving him.At that point, I realized he was more wounded than I was.